Bellybutton lint

If you’ve ever taken a human anatomy course, you likely didn’t learn about the true purpose of chest hair. You were likely told it had something to do with our evolution and staying warm. But did you really believe that? As an experiential scientist, I have reached the conclusion that chest hair is nothing more than thousands of individual cilia, acting in unison to collect and direct lint towards the bellybutton to feed its voracious appetite for clothing fibers. Upon receipt, the bellybutton makes a little ball of fiber, akin to what a dung beetle does with animal excrement. Fascinating, isn’t it?

These musings brought to you by Doctor S. Check out his adventures in the books entitled “Welcome to Earth, Doctor S” and “Doctor S and the Great Diamond Escapade”.

Pass Phrasal Verbs

I thought I had mastered the English language, until someone passed on that a friend of mine had recently passed out. I was so upset that I passed on an opportunity of a lifetime while I wept. This news was completely passed over by everyone I knew. People tried to comfort me by saying it was no big deal. They passed it off as a very common event. I didn’t understand my folly until someone said, “It’s not like as if he passed away, or anything!”

These musings brought to you by Doctor S. Check out his adventures in the books entitled “Welcome to Earth, Doctor S” and “Doctor S and the Great Diamond Escapade”.

Adopt a highway

I should have read the fine print when I decided to adopt a highway. It seemed like a great investment, since I planned to put a toll on it. Turns out – I can’t do that. I can’t even remove the speed limit! As a proud parent of the highway, I get the privilege of cleaning it. In addition, my ownership is memorialized on a sign delineating my section of the road. So people will know who to blame if the road is a mess.  What was I thinking? I guess it could be worse – I could have bought a timeshare.

These musings brought to you by Doctor S. Check out his adventures in the books entitled “Welcome to Earth, Doctor S” and “Doctor S and the Great Diamond Escapade”.

Dictionaries

Dictionaries sometimes make me feel dumb. I take the time to look up a word I don’t know, often to find that the definition contains one or more other words for which I don’t know the meaning. By the time I’ve gone down the rabbit hole to figure everything out, I’ve spent a ton of time and I can’t remember what I was originally looking for. It can be a frustrating experience! It’s like getting up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, and in the process, you stub your pinky toe. You stay as quiet as possible and try to sit on your bed to deal with the pain. But you miss the bed by an inch and fall next to it instead, making a loud grunt and booming thump. People in your household then come rushing into your room, turn on the blinding lights and find you lying on the floor holding your foot. They ask you what you’re doing, and your response is, “Huh? What?” Yeah – kinda like that!

These musings brought to you by Doctor S. Check out his adventures in the books entitled “Welcome to Earth, Doctor S” and “Doctor S and the Great Diamond Escapade”.

Mummies

Archeologists believe mummification was done to preserve a person’s body for it to be transported to a spiritual afterlife. The thing is, they never say how long that process might take. Is it any wonder then, that so many people today are adept at formulating entire sentences using only emojis? I think not. I think we seriously messed up the afterlife plans of many ancient Egyptians by displaying their mummies in museums.

These musings brought to you by Doctor S. Check out his adventures in the books entitled “Welcome to Earth, Doctor S” and “Doctor S and the Great Diamond Escapade”.

Appliance Awareness Week

Appliances are getting smarter and smarter, yet they get no respect. They get overstuffed, doors get slammed, and they don’t get cleaned regularly. That’s why I’m declaring the next seven days as “Appliance Awareness Week”, otherwise known as AAW. So be gentle with your appliances this week, and clean them a in gentle, loving manner. Getting into such habits may make things easier for you down the road, when appliances get smart enough to have feelings. Nobody wants their appliances posting mean things about them on social media – right?

These musings brought to you by Doctor S. Check out his adventures in the books entitled “Welcome to Earth, Doctor S” and “Doctor S and the Great Diamond Escapade”.

Guinness Book of World Records

The Guinness Book of World Records is truly a remarkable collection of human feats. Not only is it fascinating to read, but it’s also an incredibly useful sanity gauge for humanity. Every time I read it, I walk away feeling better about myself, knowing that I’m really not that crazy after all.

These musings brought to you by Doctor S. Check out his adventures in the books entitled “Welcome to Earth, Doctor S” and “Doctor S and the Great Diamond Escapade”.

Smiley Face Crystals

I recently learned about Dr. Masaru Emoto’s experiments with water and have been fascinated ever since. You see, he observed that water forms beautiful crystals when water is treated with love and respect, whereas water treated with disrespect and hatred forms non-symmetrical, ugly crystals. So, this got me thinking. What if someone tells a joke to water? Will it form a smiley face when crystalized? I think so, but only if it’s a good joke!

These musings brought to you by Doctor S. Check out his adventures in the books entitled “Welcome to Earth, Doctor S” and “Doctor S and the Great Diamond Escapade”.

Artificial Intelligence

People everywhere are talking about artificial intelligence like it’s going to revolutionize the world – seemingly for the better. While I may not be an expert on this topic, I think a re-branding is in order. Let’s face it – the term ‘artificial’ does not have a great connotation. After all, does anyone really like artificial flavoring, coloring and/or sweeteners in their food? Of course not! Since people are already using the shortened term ‘AI’, perhaps we could change ‘artificial’ to ‘algorithmic’, so as to keep the acronym the same.  Algorithmic Intelligence (AI) – that has a much nicer ring to it. It’s got pizzazz and it’s arguably more accurate!!

These musings brought to you by Doctor S. Check out his adventures in the books entitled “Welcome to Earth, Doctor S” and “Doctor S and the Great Diamond Escapade”.

Contranyms

How does a language evolve to contain contranyms, i.e., words with opposite meanings (e.g., Bolt – to fasten or to flee quickly)? After all, throughout history there were professional lexicographers keeping track of words and their definitions. A conscientious lexicographer would most certainly have prevented such confusing language. So, what happened? While I don’t have any proof whatsoever, my extensive research on two human subjects points squarely to practical jokers. As a practical joker myself, I can only aspire to have my misdeeds carry into the future like that. Well done, mystery jokesters!

These musings brought to you by Doctor S. Check out his adventures in the books entitled “Welcome to Earth, Doctor S” and “Doctor S and the Great Diamond Escapade”.