The Future of Archeology

Millions of years from now, I predict there will be intelligent beings on Earth who will excavate the land to learn about humans. The biggest questions they will surely face will be: 1) explaining why we exhaled such massive quantities of carbon dioxide and 2) explaining why we excreted solid plastic waste.

English Acronyms

Earthlings sure do love using acronyms! Thing is, when you don’t know what an acronym stands for, your imagination can run wild trying to figure it out. The only thing that can help is the context of the discussion. I’m still working on this, but I thought I’d share my thoughts on a few. Please correct me if any of these are wrong, so I don’t look like a fool:

  • FYI: Free Your Ignorance
  • DIY: Did It Yesterday
  • ASAP: Apply Severely Accurate Punctuality
  • LOL: Loud Obnoxious Laughter
  • BFF: Big Frightful Friend
  • ATM: Automatically Transfer Money
  • OMG: One Mighty Girl
  • AKA: Any Known Aliases
  • OP: Ordinarily Plain
  • TMI: Truly Monstrous Information

New Year’s Resolutions

New Year’s resolutions – such a wonderful earthly tradition! But why is it that so many people fail in their attempts to make improvements? While most people would blame their lack of will power, I think people fail due to lack of accountability! As such, for the turn of the decade, I propose to add a little R&R to New Year’s resolutions – Rewards and Repercussions. Here’s how it works. Write down your resolution(s) in detail, stating the goal(s), timeframe, and actions to be taken. Then, review the details with your most honest friend and include repercussions for failures to act and rewards for acting as planned. Both people sign the document and your friend’s job is to ensure you follow through as planned and rewards you, or punishes you, accordingly. Make it fun and achievable, but most of all – take action.

Christmas Tree Lighting

Imagine my surprise when I learned that earthlings used to decorate their Christmas trees with lit candles! Let’s stop for a minute to put this into perspective. People would cut down an evergreen tree and bring it into their house to decorate it. Over the days that followed, the leaves, which contain a highly flammable oily substance, began to dry up. Then, to make it look pretty, people hung delicately balanced lit candles on the branches of this tree. Somehow, this seemed like a good idea. I’m all for making things look nice, but I draw the line at spontaneous combustion.

#christmas #ornament #candle #decoration #silly #humor #earthlycontemplations

Human Ingenuity

Ingenuity, on Earth or any other planet, is a function of what can be conceived in the minds of people, and then taking the steps necessary to make it a reality. The creation process, seen from this perspective, is simply elegant and beautiful. One of the most ingenious things I’ve encountered on Earth is the baby mop. This invention is brilliant! Not only are babies self-propelled, they also drool as they go, making cleaning a cinch.

English Idioms

I found myself in a bit of a pickle when I first arrived on Earth. I couldn’t understand the expressions people used, these so called ‘idioms’. Personally, they’re not my cup of tea, but I remained cool as a cucumber and decided to learn them from A to Z, through thick and thin. After all, this was my golden opportunity to learn something new. “Piece of cake!”, I thought. I was such an eager beaver that I dove in head first. I quickly hit a wall though, when I learned there were literally thousands of them. There’s no way I could learn them all by heart. I tried to cut corners, but just got blue in the face. “My head must be in the clouds”, I said to myself. Perhaps I had bitten off more than I could chew. I was down in the dumps and became a couch potato. I could have thrown in the towel, but I came to my senses, bit the bullet and got back on my feet. After all, I wasn’t going to chicken out. The ball was in my court. This project was a tall order and I needed to pull out all the stops. It demanded 110% of my effort. I burned the midnight oil until the cows came home and eventually got into the swing of things. I don’t want to blow my own trumpet, but I’m tickled pink to say that idioms are now starting to sink in. You could say that I’m on cloud nine. Now I can let my hair down and watch the skies to see if pigs truly can fly on Earth.

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Dear washer/dryer manufacturers,

Among the many cautionary statements placed on your products, I believe you should add an additional one to prevent unintentional consequences of otherworldly proportions. As fantastic as that may sound, this very letter is in fact one of many unintentional consequences of your appliances having been used to wash plush toys. I am unfortunately not able to elaborate any further on the details, but I plead with you to consider adding the following statement on all your manufactured goods:

Caution: Plush toys should not be washed using this device.

Sincerely yours,
Doctor S.